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Funnies Thread - Feel Free to Add More - Page 60
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Thread: Funnies Thread - Feel Free to Add More

  1. #591
    Team Bus Driver Sid Snot's Avatar
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    A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably don't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be okay; you'll walk again. However, your penis was severed in the accident, and we couldn't find it."
    The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9,000 in insurance compensation coming your way, and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch". The man cheers up.
    "So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years, and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now, she might be a bit apprehensive. If you had a nine incher before, and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision"
    The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.
    The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"
    "Yes I have," says the man.
    "And has she helped you make a decision?"
    "Indeed, yes," says the man.
    "What's your decision?" asks the doctor.

    "We're getting granite counter tops."
    Clean Sheets Win Championships. UP THE NOBBERS & CURRY POWER

  2. #592
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    Nicola Sturgeon, Donald Trump, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.
    While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for.
    The Devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.
    Putin calls Russia and talks for 5 minutes.
    When he was finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a cheque.
    Next Donald Trump calls the U.S. and talks for 30 minutes.
    When he's finished the devil informs him that the cost is 6 million dollars, so amazingly Trump also writes him a cheque.
    Finally Nicola Sturgeon gets her turn and calls Scotland for 4 hours. When she's finished, the devil informed her that there would be no charge and feel free to call Scotland anytime.
    Putin and Trump go ballistic and demand the devil explain why Nicola Sturgeon got to call Scotland free.
    The devil replied, "Since Nicola Sturgeon became First Minister of Scotland, the Country has gone to hell, which makes it just a local call."
    If you pay to watch the Premier League.. you are part of the problem !

  3. #593
    Team Bus Driver Sid Snot's Avatar
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    She said... "What do you mean by coming home half drunk?"
    He said... "I ran out of money."

    He said... "Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way."
    She said... "Well, you succeeded."

    On the wall in ladies room: "My husband follows me everywhere."
    Written just below it: "I do not."

    He said... "Shall we try a different position tonight?"
    She said..."That's a good idea.... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart."

    Priest said... 'I don't think you will ever find another man like your late husband.'
    She said...'You think I’m gonna bother looking?'

    He said... "What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?"
    She said..."Turn sideways and look in the mirror."

    He said... "Let's go out and have some fun tonight".
    She said... "Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
    Clean Sheets Win Championships. UP THE NOBBERS & CURRY POWER

  4. #594
    Team Bus Driver Sid Snot's Avatar
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    One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.
    The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
    When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

    And that's when the fight started.....
    ________________________________________

    I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'
    It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. 'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.
    So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'

    And that's when the fight started...
    ________________________________________

    My wife and I are watching 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' while we were in bed.
    I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
    'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
    She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes..'
    So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'

    And that's when the fight started...
    ________________________________________

    I took my wife to a restaurant.
    The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
    'I'll have the rump steak, medium rare, please.'
    He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
    'Nah, she can order for herself.'

    And that's when the fight started.....
    ________________________________________

    My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'
    I said, 'Dust'

    And that’s when the fight started…..
    ________________________________________

    My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
    She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.'
    I bought her a set of bathroom scales.

    And that’s when the fight started…..
    ________________________________________

    My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
    I asked her, 'Do you know him?'
    'Yes,' she sighed, 'He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since.'
    'My God!' I said, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

    And that’s when the fight started…..

    ________________________________________
    Clean Sheets Win Championships. UP THE NOBBERS & CURRY POWER

  5. #595
    Team Bus Driver Sid Snot's Avatar
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    GLOBAL ECONOMIC MODELS:


    SOCIALISM
    You have 2 cows.
    You give one to your neighbour.

    COMMUNISM
    You have 2 cows.
    The State takes both and gives you some milk.

    FASCISM
    You have 2 cows.
    The State takes both and sells you some milk.

    NAZISM
    You have 2 cows.
    The State takes both and shoots you.

    BUREAUCRATISM
    You have 2 cows.
    The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away.

    TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
    You have two cows.
    You sell one and buy a bull.
    Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
    You sell them and retire on the income.

    SURREALISM
    You have two giraffes.
    The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

    AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
    Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

    ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND VENTURE CAPITALISM

    You have two cows.
    You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
    The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
    The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
    You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows.
    No balance sheet provided with the release.
    The public then buys your bull.

    A FRENCH CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

    A JAPANESE CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
    You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.

    A GERMAN CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

    AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
    You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
    You decide to have lunch.

    A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    You count them and learn you have five cows.
    You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
    You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
    You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

    A SWISS CORPORATION
    You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
    You charge the owners for storing them.

    A CHINESE CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    You have 300 people milking them.
    You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
    You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

    AN INDIAN CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    You worship them.

    A BRITISH CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    Both are mad.

    AN IRAQI CORPORATION
    Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
    You tell them that you have none.
    No-one believes you, so they bomb the crap out of you and invade your country.
    You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.

    AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    Business seems pretty good.
    You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

    A WELSH CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    The one on the left looks very attractive
    Clean Sheets Win Championships. UP THE NOBBERS & CURRY POWER

  6. #596
    Team Bus Driver Sid Snot's Avatar
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    A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6."
    A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
    The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
    He replied, "They had avocados."

    If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again! Men will get it the first time.


    WIFE: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."
    HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor That's ridiculous "
    WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."
    HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?"
    WIFE: "In the swimming pool".
    Clean Sheets Win Championships. UP THE NOBBERS & CURRY POWER

  7. #597
    Team Bus Driver Sid Snot's Avatar
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    A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

    The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, “a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order ."that will be $9.40 please”. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

    The next day, the man and the ostrich come in again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."
    The ostrich says, "I'll have the same.” Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

    This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

    The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer.
    "Excuse me, Sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?”

    "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.”

    "That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!”

    "That's right..Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man. The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?”

    The man sighs, pauses and answers. "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say."

    Clean Sheets Win Championships. UP THE NOBBERS & CURRY POWER

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