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Thread: Funnies Thread - Feel Free to Add More

  1. #601
    Manager
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    Standish
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    Parked up today right behind an ambulance.

    The furious driver came out and pointed to a sign on the back which read. "Please leave at least 5.0 meters for stretcher access"

    Fuck me , I said , how tall is your patient?

  2. #602
    Team Bus Driver Sid Snot's Avatar
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    Jul 2013
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    Toronto
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    Clean Sheets Win Championships. UP THE NOBBERS & CURRY POWER . Proud sponsor of the EMB.

  3. #603
    Substitute Hitchhiker's Avatar
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    May 2013
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    Tabby's Star
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    My daughter who is grown up (honestly) was carrying a sample
    of wallpaper from town with her mum.

    It was rolled up under her arm WHEN...

    A man approached in the opposite direction with a white stick
    under his arm

    Obviously this was a direct challenge

    She presented arms and declared "on guarde!!"

    "WHAT THE HELL - HE'S BLIND" her mother said

  4. #604
    Substitute
    Join Date
    Jun 2004
    Posts
    400
    My wife said we would have less arguments if I wasn’t so pedantic. Fewer I said, fewer arguments not less.

  5. #605
    Team Bus Driver Sid Snot's Avatar
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    Jul 2013
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    A recent article in the Toronto Star reported that a female has sued Toronto General Hospital, saying that "after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex".
    A hospital spokesman replied: "Your husband was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct his eyesight.”

    ------------------------------------------------------------------
    I child-proofed our house but the kids still get in.

    ------------------------------------------------------------------
    I checked myself into the Hokey Cokey Clinic. I turned myself around.

    ------------------------------------------------------------------
    The wife says I never listen to her, or something like that.

    ------------------------------------------------------------------
    Clean Sheets Win Championships. UP THE NOBBERS & CURRY POWER . Proud sponsor of the EMB.

  6. #606
    Assistant Manager
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    Jun 2015
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    6,206
    Quote Originally Posted by Sid Snot View Post
    A recent article in the Toronto Star reported that a female has sued Toronto General Hospital, saying that "after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex".
    A hospital spokesman replied: "Your husband was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct his eyesight.

    ------------------------------------------------------------------
    I child-proofed our house but the kids still get in.

    ------------------------------------------------------------------
    I checked myself into the Hokey Cokey Clinic. I turned myself around.

    ------------------------------------------------------------------
    The wife says I never listen to her, or something like that.

    ------------------------------------------------------------------
    As the two ronnies once said, Sid, 'a man was arrested today doing the Hokey Cokey. A woman accused him of putting it in when he should have been shaking it all about'...............
    Dirty Harry. Spouting shite and nowt better to do since 2015.

  7. #607
    Assistant Manager
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    Jun 2015
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    6,206
    I was shagging a bird from behind the other night. She said 'you'll have to be careful with me, I've got a weak heart.'
    I said 'thanks for letting me know, I'll try to miss it.'
    Dirty Harry. Spouting shite and nowt better to do since 2015.

  8. #608
    First Team
    Join Date
    Nov 2004
    Posts
    1,426
    -Fred, Velma, Shaggy; Can you name one of the "Big 5" African animals?

    "Rhino"

    We know you do Scooby, but it's not your team's turn.

  9. #609
    Assistant Manager Bhagwan H's Avatar
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    Apr 2004
    Location
    Longridge
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    8,963
    On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.
    The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, 'This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.'
    When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want."
    The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"
    "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
    He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"
    Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
    And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

  10. #610
    Team Bus Driver Sid Snot's Avatar
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    Jul 2013
    Location
    Toronto
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    My doctor says that at my age I should have a bar installed in the shower. I took his advice.

    Clean Sheets Win Championships. UP THE NOBBERS & CURRY POWER . Proud sponsor of the EMB.

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