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Funnies Thread - Feel Free to Add More - Page 59
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Thread: Funnies Thread - Feel Free to Add More

  1. #581
    Team Bus Driver Sid Snot's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dirty Harry View Post
    Old Sid Snot walks into a chemist's shop and asks for a packet of condoms.
    The assistant says 'Surely a man of your age doesn't need condoms?'
    Sid replies 'No, I don't actually need them, but I just like the smell of burning rubber!'


    Clean Sheets Win Championships. UP THE NOBBERS & CURRY POWER . Proud sponsor of the EMB.

  2. #582
    Youth Team
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    '' I was lucky enough to he to see my favorite band in concert last night. R.E.M. Even managed to get backstage and meet them....Even agreed to a ' Selfie ' ! Here it is......' That's me in the corner ' !


    [IMG][img=http://s6.postimg.org/m9nar3qal/Copy_of_joke.jpg][/IMG]

  3. #583
    Transfer Target daddyman16's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by priest View Post
    '' I was lucky enough to he to see my favorite band in concert last night. R.E.M. Even managed to get backstage and meet them....Even agreed to a ' Selfie ' ! Here it is......' That's me in the corner ' !


    [IMG][img=http://s6.postimg.org/m9nar3qal/Copy_of_joke.jpg][/IMG]

    Haha, good one.

  4. #584
    Transfer Target daddyman16's Avatar
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    Q.) What's green and smells of pork?



    A.) Kermit the Frog's fingers.

  5. #585
    Transfer Target
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    The dog is truly a mans best friend.

  6. #586
    Team Bus Driver Sid Snot's Avatar
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    Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties, and never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
    One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, in the water floated, of all things, a condom!
    When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water, its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him he could no longer resist. 'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this? He pointed to the bowl. 'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet, and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
    I haven't had the flu all winter!
    Clean Sheets Win Championships. UP THE NOBBERS & CURRY POWER . Proud sponsor of the EMB.

  7. #587
    First Team
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sid Snot View Post
    Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties, and never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
    One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, in the water floated, of all things, a condom!
    When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water, its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him he could no longer resist. 'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this? He pointed to the bowl. 'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet, and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
    I haven't had the flu all winter!
    I like it.

  8. #588
    Team Bus Driver Sid Snot's Avatar
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    You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues?
    Did you ever notice there's always like 18% that say "I don't know". It costs $2.00 to call in and vote, and they're voting "I don't know".
    I guess that, sometimes, you have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about.
    Same guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $10.95 to say, "I'm not in the mood."


    Because over the past few years, more money has been spent on breast implants and Viagra than is spent on Alzheimer's Disease research, it is believed that by the year 2030 there will be a large number of people wandering around with huge breasts and erections........who can't remember what to do with them.


    My wife's from the Midwest.
    Very nice people there. Very wholesome.
    They use words like 'Cripes' - 'For Cripe's sake.'
    Who would that be? Jesus Cripe's? The son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'?
    I'm not making fun of it.
    You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?
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  9. #589
    Team Bus Driver Sid Snot's Avatar
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    1. Law of Mechanical Repair
    After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

    2. Law of Gravity
    Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.

    3. Law of Probability
    The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

    4. Law of Random Numbers
    If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers.

    5. Law of Variation
    If you change queues (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.

    6. Law of the Bath
    When a body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring.

    7. Law of Close Encounters
    The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

    8. Law of the Result
    When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

    9. Law of Biomechanics
    The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

    10. Law of the Theatre & Sports Arenas
    At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

    11. The Law of Coffee
    As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

    12. The Law of Lockers
    If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

    13. The Law of Physical Surfaces
    The chances of an open-faced jam sandwich landing face down on a carpet are directly correlated to the newness and cost of said carpet or rug.
    Clean Sheets Win Championships. UP THE NOBBERS & CURRY POWER . Proud sponsor of the EMB.

  10. #590
    Team Bus Driver Sid Snot's Avatar
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