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    • A lady died this past January, and Barclays bank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been £0.00, now is somewhere around £60.00.

      A family member placed a call to the Barclay Bank:

      Family Member:
      'I am calling to tell you that she died in January.'

      Barclay:
      'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

      Family Member:
      'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'

      Barclay:
      'Since it is two months past due, it already has been..'

      Family Member:
      So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'

      Barclay:
      'Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!'

      Family Member:
      'Do you think God will be mad at her?'

      Barclay:
      'Excuse me?'

      Family Member:
      'Did you just get what I was telling you . . . The part about her being dead?'

      Barclay:
      'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'



      Supervisor gets on the phone:
      Family Member:
      'I'm calling to tell you, she died in January.'

      Barclay:
      'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

      Family Member:
      'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'

      Barclay:
      (Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'

      Family Member:
      'No, I'm her great nephew.'
      (Lawyer info given)

      Barclay:
      'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'

      Family Member:
      'Sure.'
      (fax number is given )

      After they get the fax:

      Barclay:
      'Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.'

      Family Member:
      'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care.'

      Barclay:
      'Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.'

      Family Member:
      'Would you like her new billing address?'

      Barclay:
      'That might help.'


      Family Member:



      ' Finchley Memorial Cemetery , Great North Road, Finchley, London Plot Number 1049.'

      Barclay:
      'Sir, that's a cemetery!'

      Family Member:
      'Well, what do you do with dead people on your planet?'.............
      “Walk away from anything or anyone who takes away from your joy. Life is too short to put up with fools.”

      Comment


      • A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, 'Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later.'

        The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, Sister, have you seen a soldier?'

        The nun replied, 'He went that way.'

        After the MP's ran off, the soldier
        Crawled out from under her skirt and said, 'I can't thank you enough
        Sister You see, I don't want to go to Afghanistan .'

        The nun said, 'I understand completely.'

        The soldier added, 'I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!'

        The nun replied, 'If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Afghanistan either !!
        “Walk away from anything or anyone who takes away from your joy. Life is too short to put up with fools.”

        Comment


        • Most awkward 'wheel of fortune' moment ever

          Comment


          • if you are going out with a blind girl and she says one night "thats the biggest penis i have ever felt" she is probably pulling your leg!

            Comment


            • The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a


              speech and walked out into the lobby where he met the U.S. President.





              They shook hands, and as they walked the Iranian said, "You know, I


              have just one question about what I have seen in America."





              The President said, "Well, anything I can do to help you, I will."





              The Iranian whispered "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it


              there is Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Uhura who is


              Black and Sulu who is Japanese, but no Muslims.





              My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any


              Iranians, Iraqis, Afghans, Syrians or Pakistanis on Star Trek."





              The President laughed, leaned toward the Iranian ambassador, and


              whispered back,





              "That's because it takes place in the future".
              “Walk away from anything or anyone who takes away from your joy. Life is too short to put up with fools.”

              Comment


              • THE MECHANIC & THE CARDIOLOGIST


                A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor
                of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known
                cardiologist in his shop.

                The cardiologist was there waiting for the service
                manager to come and take a look at his bike when the
                mechanic shouted across the Garage, 'Hey Doc, want to
                take a look at this?'

                The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where
                the mechanic was working on the motorcycle.

                The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag
                and asked, 'So Doc, look at this engine. I open its
                heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then
                put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like
                new. So how come I make £39,000 a year and you get
                £2,000,000, when you and I are doing basically the same
                work?'

                The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then
                whispered to the mechanic... try doing it with the
                engine running.
                “Walk away from anything or anyone who takes away from your joy. Life is too short to put up with fools.”

                Comment


                • A young man moved out from home and into a new apartment, all of his
                  own. He went proudly down to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.
                  While there, a stunning young blonde lady came out of the apartment
                  next to the mailboxes, wearing only a robe.
                  The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation
                  with Him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had
                  nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye
                  contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go
                  to my apartment, I hear someone coming.' He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.
                  Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?'
                  Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your
                  ears.' Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears?!?!?'
                  'Look at these breasts; they are a full 39 inches and 100% natural.
                  I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid.
                  I have a 28 inch waist.
                  Look at my skin - not a blemish anywhere.
                  How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?'

                  Clearing his throat, he stammered ....

                  'Outside,.... when you said you.......heard someone coming.......that
                  was me......'
                  “Walk away from anything or anyone who takes away from your joy. Life is too short to put up with fools.”

                  Comment


                  • There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband...
                    for example...


                    A wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her
                    bedroom, from under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two. She
                    reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.

                    Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.

                    As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading the Post.

                    "Hi love", he says, "Your mum and dad have come to visit , so l
                    let them stay in our bedroom.

                    Did you say ‘hello’?”
                    “Walk away from anything or anyone who takes away from your joy. Life is too short to put up with fools.”

                    Comment


                    • How To Shower Like a Woman
                      Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to lights and darks.

                      Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.

                      If you see partner along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

                      Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups / leg-lifts, etc.

                      Get in the shower.

                      Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

                      Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins...

                      Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

                      Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with jojoba.

                      Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red...

                      Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair.

                      Shave armpits and legs.

                      Turn off shower.

                      Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

                      Spray mold spots with Tile cleaner.

                      Get out of shower.

                      Dry with towel the size of a small country.

                      Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

                      Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see partner along the way, cover up any exposed areas.


                      How To Shower Like a Man

                      Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

                      Walk naked to the bathroom.

                      If you see partner along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.

                      Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

                      Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.

                      Get in the shower.


                      Wee.

                      Wash your face.

                      Wash your armpits.

                      Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

                      Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.

                      Wash your hair.

                      Make a Shampoo Mohican.

                      Wee again.

                      Rinse off and get out of shower.

                      Partially dry off.

                      Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time.

                      Admire willy size in mirror again. Take special note that it seems bigger after the hot shower.

                      Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

                      If you pass partner, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.

                      Throw wet towel on bed.
                      “Walk away from anything or anyone who takes away from your joy. Life is too short to put up with fools.”

                      Comment


                      • Steven Hawking came back from his first date in 10 years.
                        His Glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, twisted ankle and grazed knees.
                        Apparently she stood him up.

                        Comment


                        • I phoned PNE yesterday to complain about recent performances. But I got one of those automated systems, and it said -

                          After the tone, please say "You lot... run like hell, as fast as you can, in random directions". Then it said

                          After the tone, say "Where the hell are you going, it's only 4.58pm". Then it said

                          "Thank you for calling Preston North End. Your call may be recorded for training purposes."
                          Last edited by Regardless; 09-03-2012, 05:01 PM.

                          Comment


                          • Luigi walks to work 20 blocks every day and passes a shoe store twice every day.

                            Each day he stops and looks in the window to admire the Armani leather shoes.

                            He wants those shoes so much...it's all he can think about.

                            After about 2 months he saves the price
                            of the shoes, $300, and purchases them.

                            Every Friday night the Italian community
                            holds a dance in the church basement.

                            Luigi seizes this opportunity to wear
                            his new Armani leather shoes for the first time.

                            He asks Sophia to dance andas they dance he asks her,
                            'Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?'

                            Startled, Sophia replies,

                            'Yes, Luigi , I do wear red panties tonight,

                            But how do you know?'

                            Luigi answers,

                            'I see the reflection in my new $300 Armani leather shoes.
                            How do you like them?'

                            Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he asks,
                            'Rosa, do you wear white panties tonight?'

                            Rosa answers,

                            'Yes, Luigi, I do,

                            But how do you know that?'

                            He replies,

                            'I see the reflection in my new $300 Armani leather shoes.. .
                            How do you like them?'

                            Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played,
                            Luigi asks Carmela to dance.

                            Midway through the dance his face
                            turns red...

                            He states, 'Carmela, be stilla my heart,

                            Please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight,

                            Please, please, tella me this true!'

                            Carmela smiles coyly and answers,

                            'Yes Luigi , I wear no panties tonight...'

                            Luigi gasps,

                            'Thanka God ...

                            I thought I had a CRACK in my
                            $300 Armani leather shoes.......................!'
                            “Walk away from anything or anyone who takes away from your joy. Life is too short to put up with fools.”

                            Comment


                            • http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/arti...-students.html

                              John Beck's Super White Army!!

                              Comment


                              • WHEN THE GUY STOPS RUNNING,
                                PLACE THE CURSOR ABOUT 1 INCH ABOVE HIS HEAD. WEIRD....



                                http://www.selfcontrolfreak.com/pakken.html
                                “Walk away from anything or anyone who takes away from your joy. Life is too short to put up with fools.”

                                Comment

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