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  • Ian Dowie and Peter Beardsley have both come forward about the Football sex abuse cases. Neither can understand why they weren't abused.

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    • A wierd dream

      i was having a lovely sleep

      God said "Wake up - i want you to do something"

      I said "Do you know what frigging time it is - I was just having a lovely dream - then i remembered it - (SHIT!)

      "ok - what do you want now?"

      "I want you to meet the war heroes, tell them they can come back for a day - and they can be properly honored by their country"

      "But if you've got them aren't they happy enough"

      "unfortunately their spirits are restless - the country they died for torments them"

      So i said "ok"

      You could tell they were great people just by looking at them

      So I said "Excuse me God said you can come back for a day to be honored"

      I think it was a scottish sergeant who said "Nay laddie, there would be CARNAGE!" (sorry about the accent)

      As I left i said "What about the poppies"

      He spat and said "Throw them in the bin - not long to go now - I pity you having to go back there"

      I said "I'm doing ok - see you soon"

      So back to my lovely dream - no f****** chance

      Think of nice things

      Comment


      • So my boss rings us from 10 miles away

        "EVACUATE THE BUILDING!

        there's a gas leak"

        I thought (how does he know? - lucky he's safe eh)

        But i said "You what?"

        He continued - "Are you busy?"

        It does happen to be the busiest time of day

        on one of the busiest days of the year

        I just put the phone down

        SOMETIMES IT IS CLOUD CUCKOO LAND.....

        https://youtu.be/yI2oS2hoL0k

        Comment


        • WORDS TO LIVE BY:


          1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.

          2. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.

          3. No one is listening until you fart.

          4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

          5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

          6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

          7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

          8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

          9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

          10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

          11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

          12. Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree.

          13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

          14. Good judgment comes from bad experience. And most of that comes from bad judgment.

          15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

          16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.

          17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

          18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

          19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our butt. Then things just keep getting worse.

          20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
          Clean Sheets Win Championships. UP THE NOBBERS & CURRY POWER.

          Comment


          • Frank and Dianne were in a local shopping centre just before Christmas.

            Dianne suddenly noticed that Frank was missing, and as they had a lot
            to do, she called him on his mobile. Dianne asked, "Frank, where
            are you? You know that we have lots to do."

            Frank said, "Do you remember the jewelry store we went into about 10
            years ago, and you fell in love with a diamond necklace? I could not
            afford it at the time, and I said that one day I would get it for you?"

            Little tears started to flow down Dianne's cheek, and she got all choked up.
            "Yes, I do remember that shop," she replied.

            "Well, I'm in the pub next door to it."
            Clean Sheets Win Championships. UP THE NOBBERS & CURRY POWER.

            Comment


            • I was standing at the bar one night minding my own business.
              This Fat, ugly bird came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kind'a cute. You gotta phone number?"
              I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"
              She said, "Yeah, I got a pen".
              I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."

              I went to the drug store and told the assistant "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
              Lady Clerk: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"
              I said "Nah... She's pretty good looking."

              I was talking to a young woman in the pub last night.
              She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
              I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."

              I was telling a woman in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts.
              "Really" she said, "Go on then... try."
              After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
              I said, "Yesterday."

              I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.
              The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

              I went to the pub last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.
              I said, "Good legs."
              The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"
              I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
              Clean Sheets Win Championships. UP THE NOBBERS & CURRY POWER.

              Comment


              • Hahaha, These all are really hilarious
                I am really grateful to my blogger friend "Gustavo Woltmann" for referring this jokes thread.
                Here some jokes from me:

                #1 Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live."
                Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!"
                Doctor: "Nine."

                #2 A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.”
                The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.”

                #3 Little Johnny once bought his Grandma a very nice, luxurious toilet brush for her birthday. But when he went to visit her a couple of weeks later, it wasn't in the bathroom.
                Little Johnny asked his Grandma, “Gran, what happened to the toilet brush I gave you?”
                “Darling, I'm sorry but I just didn’t like it. It was too scratchy. After all those years, I’ve gotten used to the toilet paper.”

                #4 Doctor: Hello, did you come to see me with an eye problem?
                Patient: Wow, yes, how can you tell?
                Doctor: Because you came in through the window instead of the door.

                #5 Two Elephants meet a totally naked guy. After a while one elephant says to the other: “I really don’t get how he can feed himself with that thing!”

                Thanks all, please keep posting

                Comment


                • Originally posted by Hitchhiker View Post
                  So my boss rings us from 10 miles away

                  "EVACUATE THE BUILDING!

                  there's a gas leak"

                  I thought (how does he know? - lucky he's safe eh)

                  But i said "You what?"

                  He continued - "Are you busy?"

                  It does happen to be the busiest time of day

                  on one of the busiest days of the year

                  I just put the phone down

                  SOMETIMES IT IS CLOUD CUCKOO LAND.....

                  https://youtu.be/yI2oS2hoL0k
                  Originally posted by Hitchhiker View Post
                  A wierd dream

                  i was having a lovely sleep

                  God said "Wake up - i want you to do something"

                  I said "Do you know what frigging time it is - I was just having a lovely dream - then i remembered it - (SHIT!)

                  "ok - what do you want now?"

                  "I want you to meet the war heroes, tell them they can come back for a day - and they can be properly honored by their country"

                  "But if you've got them aren't they happy enough"

                  "unfortunately their spirits are restless - the country they died for torments them"

                  So i said "ok"

                  You could tell they were great people just by looking at them

                  So I said "Excuse me God said you can come back for a day to be honored"

                  I think it was a scottish sergeant who said "Nay laddie, there would be CARNAGE!" (sorry about the accent)

                  As I left i said "What about the poppies"

                  He spat and said "Throw them in the bin - not long to go now - I pity you having to go back there"

                  I said "I'm doing ok - see you soon"

                  So back to my lovely dream - no f****** chance

                  Think of nice things
                  Is it just me or are you off your head?
                  "It's like the War of.... Game of.....War of nutrition" - Simon Grayson

                  Comment


                  • Went to see Jimmy Carr at Southport last night

                    Very good... Forgotten most of jokes as too many !

                    One that i recall went....

                    I,ve just bought a house with period features... She hates me calling her that....

                    Comment


                    • Originally posted by Sid Snot View Post
                      I was standing at the bar one night minding my own business.
                      This Fat, ugly bird came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kind'a cute. You gotta phone number?"
                      I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"
                      She said, "Yeah, I got a pen".
                      I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."

                      I went to the drug store and told the assistant "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
                      Lady Clerk: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"
                      I said "Nah... She's pretty good looking."

                      I was talking to a young woman in the pub last night.
                      She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
                      I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."

                      I was telling a woman in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts.
                      "Really" she said, "Go on then... try."
                      After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
                      I said, "Yesterday."

                      I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.
                      The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

                      I went to the pub last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.
                      I said, "Good legs."
                      The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"
                      I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
                      Old Sid Snot walks into a chemist's shop and asks for a packet of condoms.
                      The assistant says 'Surely a man of your age doesn't need condoms?'
                      Sid replies 'No, I don't actually need them, but I just like the smell of burning rubber!'
                      Dirty Harry. Spouting shite and nowt better to do since 2015.

                      Comment


                      • Originally posted by Dirty Harry View Post
                        Old Sid Snot walks into a chemist's shop and asks for a packet of condoms.
                        The assistant says 'Surely a man of your age doesn't need condoms?'
                        Sid replies 'No, I don't actually need them, but I just like the smell of burning rubber!'


                        Clean Sheets Win Championships. UP THE NOBBERS & CURRY POWER.

                        Comment


                        • '' I was lucky enough to he to see my favorite band in concert last night. R.E.M. Even managed to get backstage and meet them....Even agreed to a ' Selfie ' ! Here it is......' That's me in the corner ' !


                          [IMG][img=http://s6.postimg.org/m9nar3qal/Copy_of_joke.jpg][/IMG]

                          Comment


                          • Originally posted by priest View Post
                            '' I was lucky enough to he to see my favorite band in concert last night. R.E.M. Even managed to get backstage and meet them....Even agreed to a ' Selfie ' ! Here it is......' That's me in the corner ' !


                            [IMG][img=http://s6.postimg.org/m9nar3qal/Copy_of_joke.jpg][/IMG]

                            Haha, good one.
                            Alexa... Play 'Things Can Only Get Better' by D:Ream

                            Comment


                            • Q.) What's green and smells of pork?



                              A.) Kermit the Frog's fingers.
                              Alexa... Play 'Things Can Only Get Better' by D:Ream

                              Comment


                              • The dog is truly a mans best friend.

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