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  • Parked up today right behind an ambulance.

    The furious driver came out and pointed to a sign on the back which read. "Please leave at least 5.0 meters for stretcher access"

    Fuck me , I said , how tall is your patient?

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    • Clean Sheets Win Championships. UP THE NOBBERS & CURRY POWER.

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      • My daughter who is grown up (honestly) was carrying a sample
        of wallpaper from town with her mum.

        It was rolled up under her arm WHEN...

        A man approached in the opposite direction with a white stick
        under his arm

        Obviously this was a direct challenge

        She presented arms and declared "on guarde!!"

        "WHAT THE HELL - HE'S BLIND" her mother said

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        • My wife said we would have less arguments if I wasn’t so pedantic. Fewer I said, fewer arguments not less.

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          • A recent article in the Toronto Star reported that a female has sued Toronto General Hospital, saying that "after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex".
            A hospital spokesman replied: "Your husband was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct his eyesight.”

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            I child-proofed our house but the kids still get in.

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            I checked myself into the Hokey Cokey Clinic. I turned myself around.

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            The wife says I never listen to her, or something like that.

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            Clean Sheets Win Championships. UP THE NOBBERS & CURRY POWER.

            Comment


            • Originally posted by Sid Snot View Post
              A recent article in the Toronto Star reported that a female has sued Toronto General Hospital, saying that "after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex".
              A hospital spokesman replied: "Your husband was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct his eyesight.”

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              I child-proofed our house but the kids still get in.

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              I checked myself into the Hokey Cokey Clinic. I turned myself around.

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              The wife says I never listen to her, or something like that.

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              As the two ronnies once said, Sid, 'a man was arrested today doing the Hokey Cokey. A woman accused him of putting it in when he should have been shaking it all about'...............
              Dirty Harry. Spouting shite and nowt better to do since 2015.

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              • I was shagging a bird from behind the other night. She said 'you'll have to be careful with me, I've got a weak heart.'
                I said 'thanks for letting me know, I'll try to miss it.'
                Dirty Harry. Spouting shite and nowt better to do since 2015.

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                • -Fred, Velma, Shaggy; Can you name one of the "Big 5" African animals?

                  "Rhino"

                  We know you do Scooby, but it's not your team's turn.

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                  • On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.
                    The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, 'This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.'
                    When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want."
                    The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"
                    "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
                    He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"
                    Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
                    And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

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                    • My doctor says that at my age I should have a bar installed in the shower. I took his advice.

                      Clean Sheets Win Championships. UP THE NOBBERS & CURRY POWER.

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                      • Originally posted by Sid Snot View Post
                        My doctor says that at my age I should have a bar installed in the shower. I took his advice.

                        Liking your choice of cleansing products Sid

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                        • Originally posted by Henry Weston View Post
                          Liking your choice of cleansing products Sid
                          Can't beat a good loofah, Henry

                          Clean Sheets Win Championships. UP THE NOBBERS & CURRY POWER.

                          Comment


                          • The guy who invented the 'High Five' ('High Six' in Burnley)..

                            Clean Sheets Win Championships. UP THE NOBBERS & CURRY POWER.

                            Comment


                            • Isn’t it wonderful that there’s going to be a Ladies Real Full Monty - all in a good cause too.

                              So now we’ve got Sports Relief , Comic Relief and Hand Relief.

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                              • Alex Neil “This club has had a certain style for four years and I’m trying to change that and the style I want to play is the complete opposite to that.”

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