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  • Heard this one yesterday for the first time and was told it's older than the trees.
    (Mind you I was in Longridge)

    Diner in restaurant asks waiter what the specials are and he says,
    "Whale meat, whale meat and Vera Lynn."
    "What's Vera Lynn?" asks the diner.
    "Whale meat again."

    Okay I'll get my coat.

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    • Alex Neil ďThis club has had a certain style for four years and Iím trying to change that and the style I want to play is the complete opposite to that.Ē

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      • Confucius say, "If you in book store and cannot find book for which you search, you obviously in the ...

        Clean Sheets Win Championships. UP THE NOBBERS & CURRY POWER.

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        • Alex Neil ďThis club has had a certain style for four years and Iím trying to change that and the style I want to play is the complete opposite to that.Ē

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          • Alex Neil ďThis club has had a certain style for four years and Iím trying to change that and the style I want to play is the complete opposite to that.Ē

            Comment


            • Alex Neil ďThis club has had a certain style for four years and Iím trying to change that and the style I want to play is the complete opposite to that.Ē

              Comment


              • It seems that the Indian Premier League fans must get very excited about reaching the grand final.... the road to Wankhead! (ok, it's spelt Wankhede)

                Who came up with that name?!

                http://s1137.photobucket.com/user/Pr...pswymv8jon.jpg


                EDIT sorry... image not showing, so if you want proof, you'll have to click on the link! http://s1137.photobucket.com/user/Pr...tml?sort=3&o=0
                Last edited by Regardless; 23-05-2018, 02:17 AM.

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                • Saint Peter is seeing all of the new arrivals trying to go through the pearly gates in Heaven.

                  The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a good one. "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover. I went onto the balcony of our 9th-floor apartment and found the guy clinging to the rail by his fingertips. I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died." Saint Peter thanked him and sent him on to the waiting room.

                  The second applicant said that his last day was his worst..."I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment and I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th-floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest."

                  Saint Peter couldn't help but chuckle as he directs the man to the waiting room. Saint Peter is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters. He apologizes and says "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the two fellows that arrived here just before you."

                  I don't know" replies the man. "Picture this, I'm naked, hiding in this cedar chest......
                  Clean Sheets Win Championships. UP THE NOBBERS & CURRY POWER.

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                  • A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after-life at all.
                    After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact: "Mary, Mary."
                    "Is that you, Bob?"
                    "Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
                    "That's wonderful! What's it like?"
                    "Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, relax a bit and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to the golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again".
                    "Oh, Bob! Are you in Heaven?"
                    "No... I'm a rabbit somewhere in Longridge."
                    Clean Sheets Win Championships. UP THE NOBBERS & CURRY POWER.

                    Comment


                    • Originally posted by Sid Snot View Post
                      A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after-life at all.
                      After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact: "Mary, Mary."
                      "Is that you, Bob?"
                      "Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
                      "That's wonderful! What's it like?"
                      "Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, relax a bit and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to the golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again".
                      "Oh, Bob! Are you in Heaven?"
                      "No... I'm a rabbit somewhere in Longridge."
                      "The gig economy is nothing new, its simply the reincarnation of an ancient evil."

                      Justin Welby

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                      • 🤣
                        Originally posted by Sid Snot View Post
                        A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after-life at all.
                        After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact: "Mary, Mary."
                        "Is that you, Bob?"
                        "Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
                        "That's wonderful! What's it like?"
                        "Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, relax a bit and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to the golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again".
                        "Oh, Bob! Are you in Heaven?"
                        "No... I'm a rabbit somewhere in Longridge."
                        Sent from my SM-A310F using Tapatalk
                        PRESTON ARE BACK, PRESTON ARE BACK, HELLO, HELLO.

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                        • TEXT TO THE GUY NEXT DOOR:

                          Hi, Steve, this is Eddie next door. Iíve got a confession to make. Iíve been riddled with guilt for a few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face. At least Iím telling you in this text and I canít live with myself a minute longer without you knowing about this. The truth is that when youíre not around Iíve been sharing your wife, day and night. In fact, probably much more than you. I havenít been getting it at home recently and I know that thatís no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I canít live with the guilt and hope youíll accept my sincere apology and forgive me. Please suggest a fee for usage and Iíll pay you.


                          STEVEíS RESPONSE:

                          Feeling so angered and betrayed, he grabbed his gun and shot Eddie, killing him. He went back home and poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. Steve then looked at his phone and discovered a second text message from Eddie.

                          SECOND TEXT MESSAGE:

                          Hi, Steve, Eddie here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I expect you figured it out and noticed that the damned Auto-Correct had changed ďwi-fiĒ to ďwife.Ē Technology, eh? Itíll be the death of us all.
                          Clean Sheets Win Championships. UP THE NOBBERS & CURRY POWER.

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                          • Bloke has his penis chopped of in a road accident.

                            Doctor tells him he can fit a new one but itís £1000 per inch.There's a £9000 insurance payout Doctor suggests the patient discusses it with his wife about how many inches he should have.

                            Next day doctor asks patient whether he discussed it with his wife and what he was having.

                            ď Granite worktops ď was the reply.

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                            • SENIOR'S PICKUP LINE

                              An elderly gentleman walks into the bar of the Ritz hotel. He is in his mid-eighties, very well-dressed, hair well-groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel and smelling slightly of an expensive after shave. He presents a very nice image.

                              Seated at the bar is a classy looking lady in her mid-seventies.

                              The sharp old gentleman walks over and sits alongside her. He orders a drink and takes a sip. He slowly turns to the lady and says:

                              "So, tell me... Do I come here often?"
                              Clean Sheets Win Championships. UP THE NOBBERS & CURRY POWER.

                              Comment


                              • Originally posted by bluekipper View Post
                                I met a fairy today who granted me one wish.
                                "I want to live forever," I said.
                                "Sorry," said the fairy, but I am not allowed to grant that type of wish.
                                "Fine," I said,
                                "Then I want to die when England win the world cup."
                                "You crafty bastard!" said the fairy.
                                That didnít happen. She just sent him back to 1966.

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