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  • A pensioner drove his brand new BMW to 100 mph, looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him. He floored it to 140 , then 150, ... then 155, ... Suddenly he thought,

    "I'm too old for this nonsense !"

    So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.

    The officer walked up to him, looked at his watch and said,

    "Sir, my shift ends in ten minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend with my family. If you can give me a good reason that I've never heard before, why you were speeding... I'll let you go."

    The Man looked very seriously at the police man, and replied :-

    "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman, I thought you were bringing her back." !!!

    The Cop left saying,

    " Have a good day, Sir "..
    "The gig economy is nothing new, its simply the reincarnation of an ancient evil."

    Justin Welby



      Hope the link works as it's one of the funniest things I've seen in a long while. Had to watch it several times to see it all due to the tears pouring down my cheeks.
      Bald and proud


      • With the advent of viagra being sold on pharmacists a chap went into his local Boots and asked if they had any,
        'Yes' was the reply.
        'Can I get it over the counter'? he asked.
        'Well that depends on how many you buy sir'
        Bald and proud


        • This might be as well in the 'Volcanic Vindaloo' section (apologies for the volume but it's all true)........

          Recently, while on holiday in Texas, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the bar when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting. So I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event:
          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~
          Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
          Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
          Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
          Judge # 3 -- (Me) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy!!!
          Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili
          Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
          Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
          Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
          Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
          Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
          Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
          Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.
          Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic
          Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
          Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
          Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out ones taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. bitch is starting to look HOT......just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac!
          Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover
          Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
          Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
          Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
          Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
          Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
          Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
          Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my arse with a snow cone.
          Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
          Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
          Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
          Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like shit to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
          Chili # 8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili
          Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
          Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chili.
          Clean Sheets Win Championships. UP THE NOBBERS & CURRY POWER.


          • I despair....

            WINDOWS 10: Please enter your new password.

            USER (Me): Cabbage

            WINDOWS 10: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.

            USER: Boiled cabbage

            WINDOWS 10: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.

            USER: 1 boiled cabbage

            WINDOWS 10: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces

            USER: 50damnboiledcabbages

            WINDOWS 10: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character

            USER: 50DAMNboiledcabbages

            WINDOWS 10: Sorry the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively..

            USER: 50damnBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourArseIfYouDontGiveM eAccessNow!

            WINDOWS 10: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.

            USER: ReallyPissedOff50DamnBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourArs eIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow

            WINDOWS 10: Sorry, that password is already in use.
            Last edited by Sid Snot; 12-10-2018, 03:07 PM.
            Clean Sheets Win Championships. UP THE NOBBERS & CURRY POWER.


            • An older lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 70th birthday by Staying overnight in an expensive hotel. When she checked out next Morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250..00. She exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high.

              “It’s a Nice hotel but the rooms certainly aren’t worth $250.00 for just an overnight Stay! I didn’t even have breakfast.” The clerk told her that $250.00 is The ‘standard rate’, so she insisted on speaking to the Manager.

              The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: “This Hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre which are Available for use.” “But I didn’t use them,” she said. ”Well, they are Here, and you could have,” explained the manager.

              He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel Shows for which the hotel is famous. “We have the best entertainers from the World over performing here,” the Manager said. “But I didn’t go to any of Those shows,” she said.

              “Well, we have them, and you could have,” the Manager replied. No matter What amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, “But I didn’t use it!” and The Manager countered with his standard response. After several minutes Discussion with the Manager unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a check and Gave it to him. The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check.

              “But madam, this check is for only $50.00.” “That’s correct. I charged You $200.00 for sleeping with me,” she replied. “But I didn’t!” exclaims the very surprised Manager.

              “Well, too bad, I Was here, and you could have.” Don’t mess with Senior Citizens !!!
              "The gig economy is nothing new, its simply the reincarnation of an ancient evil."

              Justin Welby


              • A doberman, rottweiler and and alsation were all in cages at the vets.
                The doberman asked the rotty why he was there.
                " well my owners grandaughter. was visiting and I accidently knocked her over and she started screaming and as my owner thought I was attacking her he brought me here to be put down"
                "Not good said the doberman. My owners son was playing with a football in the garden so I joined in and when I burst the ball the kid started screaming and started chasing me, fell over and cut his head open, so my owner brought me here to be put down too"!
                "what about you Al"? they asked the alsation.
                "well my owner just got out the shower and was wrapping a towel around her head and I don't know what came over me but I jumped up and shagged her"!
                "wow" the others choruses
                " so you're getting put down as well"?
                " No" said the alsation
                "I'm getting my claws trimmed"
                Bald and proud