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  • Funnies Thread - Feel Free to Add More

    One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his stretch limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.

    Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop, and he got out to investigate.

    He asked one of the men, "Why are you eating grass?"

    "We don't have any money for food", the poor man replied.

    "We have no choice. We have to eat grass."

    "Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you", the lawyer said.

    "But sir, I have a wife and two children with me.

    They are over there, under that tree"

    "Bring them along", the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also."

    The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir,I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

    "Bring them all as well", the lawyer answered.

    They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the stretch limousine was.

    Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

    The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."

  • #2
    My mother in law came round this morning.

    That's the last time I buy Chloroform from Lidls.


    • #3
      Father Donovan and a nun are on their way back from the cemetery when their car breaks down.

      The garage doesn't open until morning so they have to spend the night in a B&B. It only has one room available.

      Father Donovan says: "Sister, I don't think the Lord would object if we spend the night sharing this one room. I'll sleep on the sofa and you have the bed."

      "I think that would be fine," agrees the nun.

      They prepare for bed, say some prayers and settle down to sleep.

      Ten minutes pass, and the nun says: "Father, I'm very cold."
      "OK," says the priest, "I'll get a blanket from the cupboard."

      Another ten minutes pass and the nun says again: "Father, I'm still terribly cold."

      Father Donovan says: "Don't worry, I'll get up and fetch you another blanket."

      Another ten minutes pass, then the nun murmurs softly:

      "Father I'm still very cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for a night."

      "You're right," says Father Donovan.

      "Get your own bloody blankets."


      • #4
        A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot.

        The doctor comes in and says 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but I'm afraid you were in a pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be OK, you'll walk again, everything seems to be OK, but there is a bit of bad news and I'm going to break it to you as gently as I can. Your Willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.'

        The bloke groans a bit (as you do) but the doctor goes on, 'We've checked your insurance and you've actually got up to £9,000 compensation coming to you and the good news is that we have the technology now to build you a new Willy that will work just as well as
        your old one, better in fact. But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It is one thousand pounds an inch.'

        The bloke perks up a bit at this (as you would.) 'So it's a simple decision,' the doctor says, 'you need to decide how many inches you want.

        But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch Willy before and you decide to go for a nine inch Willy now, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inches before and you decide only to invest in a five inches now, she might be a bit disappointed.

        So it's important that you consult with her to help you make the decision.'

        So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day.

        'So' he says, 'have you spoken with your wife?'

        'I have.' says the chap.

        'And has she helped you to make the decision?'

        'Yes, she has' he says.

        'And what is the decision?' asks the doctor.

        'We're having a new kitchen.


        • #5
          The other day I needed to pay a visit to the public toilet, so I found a public toilet that had two cubicles.
          One of the doors was locked. So I went into the other one, closed the door, dropped my trousers and sat down.
          A voice came from the cubicle next to me: "Hello mate, how are you doing?"
          Although I thought that it was a bit strange, I didn't want to be rude, so I replied, "Not too bad, thanks."
          After a short pause, I heard the voice again. "So, what are you up to?"
          Again I answered, somewhat reluctantly, "Just having a quick s***... How about yourself?"
          The next thing I heard him say was, "Sorry, mate, I'll have to call you back. I've got some c*** in the cubicle next to me answering everything I say."


          • #6
            One night, a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible drunk drivers. At closing time he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.

            The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered a Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.

            The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy."


            • #7
              What's brown and has loads of holes in it?

              The Sri Lankan cricket team.


              • #8
                The Irishman is making love to Jewish girl & says, 'Well, you're not very tight for a Jew!'

                She says, 'Well, you're not very thick for a Paddy!'


                • #9
                  Many men have nicknames for their manhood.

                  Mine was given 2 me by a girlfriend whilst she was giving me head.

                  She named it 'the impaler'….yes well that's what I thought she said?

                  Turns out she was asthmatic, and it's my fault she died


                  • #10
                    The dog is truly a mans best friend. Not convinced ? Put your dog and your wife in the boot of your car for an hour. When you open it , see who's happy to see you !!


                    • #11
                      A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, 'What are you doing?' She answers, 'I'm moving to London . I heard prostitutes there get paid £400 for doing what I do for you for free.' Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he's going, he replies, 'I'm coming too I want to see how you live on £800 a year'


                      • #12
                        Who said Scots Romance is dead? These are REAL ADS from the lonely-hearts column.

                        Grossly overweight Buckie turf-cutter, 42 years old, Gemini, seeks nimble sexpot, preferably South American, for tango sessions, candlelit dinners and humid nights of screaming passion. Must have own car and be willing to
                        Box 09/08

                        Aberdeen man, 50, in desperate need of a ride. Anything considered.

                        Heavy drinker, 35, Glasgow area, seeks gorgeous sex addict interested in beer, cigarettes, Celtic football club and starting scraps on Sauchiehall Street at three in the morning.
                        Box 73/82

                        Bitter, disillusioned Dundonian lately rejected by long-time fiancée seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in this cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches.
                        Box /41

                        Ginger-haired Paisley troublemaker, gets slit-eyed and shirty after a few scoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe more.
                        Box 84/87

                        Artistic Edinburgh woman, 53, petite, loves rainy walks on the beach, writing poetry, unusual sea-shells and interesting brown rice dishes, seeks mystic dreamer for companionship, back rubs and more as we bounce along like little tumbling clouds on life's beautiful crazy journey. Strong stomach essential.
                        Box 12/32

                        Chartered accountant, 42, seeks female for marriage. Duties will include cooking, light cleaning and accompanying me to office social functions. References required. No timewasters.
                        Box 3/45

                        Bad-tempered, foul-mouthed old b****** living in a damp cottage in the arse end of Orkney seeks attractive 21-year old blonde lady with big chest.
                        Box 40/27

                        Devil-worshiper, Stirling area, seeks like-minded lady for wining and dining, good conversation, dancing, romantic walks and slaughtering dogs in cemeteries at midnight under the flinty light of a pale moon.
                        Box 52/07

                        Attractive brunette, Maryhill area, winner of Miss Wrangler competition at Frampton's Nightclub, Maryhill, in September 1978, seeks nostalgic man who's not afraid to cry, for long nights spent comfort-drinking and listening to old Abba records. Please, Please!
                        Box 30/41

                        Govan man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for the night of February 27 between 8pm and 11.30pm


                        • #13
                          A woman walks into the Liverpool benefits office, trailed by 15 kids...

                          'WOW,' the social worker exclaims, 'Are they ALL yours?

                          'Yeah they are all mine,' the flustered mother sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, 'Sit down Terry.' All the children rush to find seats.

                          'Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names.'

                          'This one's my oldest - he is Terry.'

                          'OK, and who's next?'

                          'Well, this one he is Terry, also.'

                          The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Terry. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Terri. 'All right,' says the caseworker. 'I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Terri?'

                          Their Mother replied, 'Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Terry!' An'
                          when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Terry!' an' they all come
                          runnin.' An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Terry' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Terry.'

                          The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, 'But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?'

                          'I call them by their surnames!!
                          “Walk away from anything or anyone who takes away from your joy. Life is too short to put up with fools.”


                          • #14
                            Day 1 in heaven and Jade Goody is already up for eviction !


                            • #15
                              FOR SALE:

                              Blonde ladies wig. Unused. Unwanted Mothers Day gift. Sensible offers.

                              Contact; Jack, Essex.