Advice

[New dad]

Hi, I’m after a bit of advice - don’t really know how to go about this so I’m here.

My wife has always struggled with guilt and worrying. She worries about serious things with work to irrational day to day matters. She admits herself that she is worrying over stuff that doesn’t make sense and can think rationally about it, but then a few hours / days later she goes back over it again and again and the cycle repeats. It totally consumes her to the point where she’s miserable all the time.

This has gone on for a few years but normally she’s got herself out of these ruts. Obviously 2020 has been a difficult year and the prolonged period of life not being “normal” has exacerbated the problem.

She has always been against getting help because it won’t look good in her profession but has recently admitted that she needs to talk to someone. She’s promised me she’ll go after Christmas but I’m concerned she’ll put it off again.

I know I can’t arrange anything for her, but how would I / she start going about things. I’m aware you can go to your GP but wondered if anyone could point me in any other directions? Apologies for being naive but fortunately this isn’t something we’ve had to deal with before.

Thanks in advance for anyone who gets in touch.

 

[jakehake]

At least you’re both able to talk about this and realising you need something to be done so that’s a great start by you both.

whilst “looking bad” in your profession can feel bad it’s also an employers responsibility to make sure their employees have the support they need but I understand people are reluctant. Does she have an EAP(employee assistance programme) type scheme that is accessible or likewise if either of you have any medical insurance or home insurance they sometimes include some elements of this. These are normally run external but funded by companies but non of the details or conversations are passed back to the employer.

if you don’t have any of that and she is reluctant to speak to her GP something like a Counsellor or a therapist may be a starting point to talk about her situation and how she feels. Counsellors are trained to deal with many different scenarios and sometimes it may only take a small bit of guidance to put her towards understanding why she feels like she does.

Learning that negative and harmful feelings are part and parcel of your life is a really tough lesson to learn for most people. But learning that they are just feelings and thoughts rather than actual events is a big step to being able to compartmentalise and deal with those in the bigger scheme of things

sure there are others with way more experience than me but for both of you. You’ve made the first step, take that as the first positive. Life’s overwhelming for lots of people, add in kids and your anxiety and worry increases for most people as you have to consider and look after more and more people. But nothing is insurmountable if people are willing to seek help and work on it. You’re doing the right thing by reaching out

 

[Schemer]

Excellent advice from @jakehake.

I'm certainly no expert, but a family member arranged counselling via a work medical expenses scheme and it helped greatly. Their HR were very understanding and sympathetic.

It's easy to say, but mental illness should be regarded no differently to a physical illness. There should be no stigma attached but sadly too often there is.

You may find these charities helpful: I understand Mind are particularly good.

https://www.mind.org.uk/information...p-for-a-mental-health-problem/where-to-start/

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/mental-health-helplines/

I hope your wife manages to get the help she needs. She's very lucky to have you caring about her. Together, you will make it through.

 

[pne_monster]

She has always been against getting help because it won’t look good in her profession but has recently admitted that she needs to talk to someone. She’s promised me she’ll go after Christmas but I’m concerned she’ll put it off again.

I'd echo the excellent advice from the other chaps here. I'd also question the highlighted part? Is that true? Or is that more of the irrational type of thinking? My own personal view on this if it genuinely is a factor in any "profession" then maybe it's time to leave that profession. I've said this to someone close to me, and it turns out it was less the profession and more the workplace/people.

The same person that is close to me (won't name who) has had some counselling but wasn't convinced that it's right for them, and that first step of accepting you need help and starting the process is often the hardest. She may be able to find some online resources that help her just reflect on her thought process, but I would talk to her about the benefits of talking to her GP or a counsellor (NHS or private), and just trying to alleviate some of the pressure.

Good luck

 

[prestonmadhouse]

Great advice from the folk above 👍

I would add, if she sees her GP, nobody will know as it’s completely private. Does she need meds?, a doc will give her great support on that front.
Counselling is a fantastic way to help you to overcome/deal with the types of issues she has. There is nothing worse than an overactive mind, or that little voice in your head nagging away.
Private counselling costs about £35 an hour, if that can be factored into your budget.
There is a very long waiting time for 1 to 1 counselling on the NHS.
There are also so excellent books out there for self help.

Best wishes

 

[Regardless]

Some super advice above.
My contribution might not actually be great advice- because meeting it head on is probably the best thing- and she’s likely to find people react far more sympathetically than she anticipates.
But if she absolutely resists the above advice, and you have some spare cash, she could choose a councellor privately so she can explore that route confidentially as a paying client- which might give her a feeling of greater privacy control over the situation - and give her the confidence to go for it. I would only do that if the other suggestions from people are not going to go anywhere.

I have a qualified friend who, I guess, would arrange a “zoom” consultation. PM if you want to discuss that avenue. Good luck.

 

[Newdad]

Thanks for all the replies and advice. There are some great people on here.

Spoken to a GP and awaiting an appointment with someone so that’s a start.

Wishing everyone a happy new year and hopefully 2021 is a better year for everyone!