I changed my standard car horn with gunshot sounds. People get out of the way much faster now.
Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.
I didn’t make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.
Old age is coming at a really bad time.
When I was a child I thought “Nap Time” was a punishment. Now, as an adult, it feels like a small vacation.
The biggest lie I tell myself is ”I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."
I don’t have gray hair; I have "wisdom highlights"! I’m just very wise.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would’ve put them on my knees.
Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven’t met yet.
Why do I have to press '1' for English when you’re just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?
Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.
At my age “Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.
Actually I'm not complaining - I'm a Seenager (Senior teenager). I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, just 60 years later. I don’t have to go to school or work. I get an allowance every month. I have my own place. I don’t have a curfew. I have a driver’s license and my own car The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant. And I don’t have acne.
I have more friends I should share this with, but right now I can’t remember their names.