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How to Grieve when grief keeps coming

FootballcrazyP_

FootballcrazyP_

Crazy Bird Man
Patron
Joined
Apr 4, 2007
Messages
28,777
Location
Essex
Many know the troubles and struggles I have had over the last few years with ill health, and so on. But what no one knows, (until this post obviously), don't know is I have stopped being able to grieve. Just before Christmas I got the news my mum had 4 weeks to live and sadly with New Year the fight ended. I had to be strong because my Step Dad needed me and my Family is a mess. But I not been able to grieve for my Mum, because Grief keeps coming, every where I turn there is more and more. 11 People including my Mum have died since New Years Day, I lost 2 Pet Birds and 1 is now fight for its life with a Tumour. Every time I see time where I want to spend and remember my Mum and son on a new Death is announced. This week a former Childhood Friend (I didn't have many) and my Mums next door neighbour and one of my Rescues Pip.

I don't know if its me or what, just seems like its 1 after the other. But even when I sit down and try to give myself time, I don't feel sadness, I just feel confused and angry. My anger is building up so much that the other day I lost my Door keys so just lost it and ever has been trashed. I spoke to a councillor yesterday and he just said I need to stop putting other people first. But how when they the ones that seem to be ill. I am literally now Balancing on the RED line financially. The cost of traveling to Funerals, Bird care, Bird Funerals has stripped me of anything I had. I am selling things to try and do the right thing. But finding my Bird tonight has a tumour and lost its eye I am seriously done. I going to have to consider trying to get myself sectioned and have the remaining Birds rehomed (and that will be a real heart breaker for me), but I have nothing left and I can't care for them, because I can't grieve.

I am hoping that someone can give me tips and advice, before I really crack and have to section myself for my own and other safety. I just don't know how to grieve or if I should. Help.
 
That's a terrible run of sad news Crazy, I'm glad you have a counsellor to speak to and he/she is right - you must start looking after number one and putting yourself first. My missus is having counselling for a run of events only a fraction of what you have gone through and they said the same to her. It sounds like you need time to grieve, too, and I'm sure your run of awful news will stop, which will hopefully give you that grieving time. It must feel like you have a giant above you, pressing down and squashing you. Sincerely hope things turn around - keep talking to people. Wishing you all the best .
 
FootballcrazyP_ said:
Many know the troubles and struggles I have had over the last few years with ill health, and so on. But what no one knows, (until this post obviously), don't know is I have stopped being able to grieve. Just before Christmas I got the news my mum had 4 weeks to live and sadly with New Year the fight ended. I had to be strong because my Step Dad needed me and my Family is a mess. But I not been able to grieve for my Mum, because Grief keeps coming, every where I turn there is more and more. 11 People including my Mum have died since New Years Day, I lost 2 Pet Birds and 1 is now fight for its life with a Tumour. Every time I see time where I want to spend and remember my Mum and son on a new Death is announced. This week a former Childhood Friend (I didn't have many) and my Mums next door neighbour and one of my Rescues Pip.

I don't know if its me or what, just seems like its 1 after the other. But even when I sit down and try to give myself time, I don't feel sadness, I just feel confused and angry. My anger is building up so much that the other day I lost my Door keys so just lost it and ever has been trashed. I spoke to a councillor yesterday and he just said I need to stop putting other people first. But how when they the ones that seem to be ill. I am literally now Balancing on the RED line financially. The cost of traveling to Funerals, Bird care, Bird Funerals has stripped me of anything I had. I am selling things to try and do the right thing. But finding my Bird tonight has a tumour and lost its eye I am seriously done. I going to have to consider trying to get myself sectioned and have the remaining Birds rehomed (and that will be a real heart breaker for me), but I have nothing left and I can't care for them, because I can't grieve.

I am hoping that someone can give me tips and advice, before I really crack and have to section myself for my own and other safety. I just don't know how to grieve or if I should. Help.
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Firstly sorry for your loss, it sounds like one thing after another is creating an enormous burden. I agree with your counsellor, you need to put yourself first. You can’t help other people if you’re sick yourself. Try Samaritans or other online support services in the short term, and just give yourself a bit of a break.

I can truly empathise, I haven’t said this on here yet but… my mum also died recently (6th Feb) after a short battle with cancer. I couldn’t even be with her at the end because of covid. I was trying to complete my PhD, our dog got ill, my son has a chronic health problem, my daughter has ADD, and I’m now out of work. I’ve not told you that to outscore you but hopefully you can see others struggle as well. We just all need to support each other and find ways to give ourselves the self care we need. DM me if you need to, look up the Samaritans, have a walk. Just take care of yourself. All the best.
 
As Harry says, keep looking after yourself first as that is what your family and birds need. The rest can be sorted.

Without making it sound trite, what do you need financially to look after the birds, even if in the short term. Can some of us help?

Once you sort the pieces that rely on you daily then you can look at the one off costs or other issues that maybe are long term.

Sectioning yourself may feel like a good option but it may not be the best option. Let’s keep it as a last resort
 
Thanks for the replies. I put this here because I find it hard to say I need help with my voice to those around me. I fear they will walk away because thats what my family did all them years back, they lied, they hurt me and tried to destroy me. Losing my Mum was my only family link I had. Even through out my struggles I always made the effort, had to do things no Son would want to do when she was ill (care home stuff). I know if she was here she would be guiding me and sorting me out. Not Financially, Mum always said don't bite off more than you could chew. Sadly I have unwittingly. Paying the odd Vet bill was easy. But what I failed to think about is them all getting ill one after another. My reputation for looking after sick, injured, disabled and unwanted Birds had travelled. In 2018 I got a message from someone in Hertfordshire (Passed through it, but never stopped off there or know anyone there) asking me to take in a 21 year old Bird. I did and today that Bird is still here aged 25 and hopefully going strong. My Mum said I need to stop taking them in. Then a bird that had is legs broken, feathers pulled out and fags stumped out on it, was found in Rhyl and Mum helped me rescue him. She knew I would do what I could and I did. He is doing ok. But that was my last rescue. And today I know my Mum was right, I couldn't say no, I bit off more than I could chew, and now my my reward is this. But my Mum would say I have to get through it on my own. But without her, I am not strong enough. With all these Deaths (only 1 with Covid) I have drained every last inch of everything. I know I should ring the Samaritans but I don't want to waste the vital line for someone else that needs it. I have tired suicide many times over the last 20 years and failed because I fear death. What a pile of Crap, want to end it and yet can't coz I fear it. Its the fear that has kept me here more than Mental health etc.

I have got this off my chest and I need to battle on or go down fighting, But I think I am only 1 or 2 more bad events away from total melt down.

Thinking about it, not sure if its not being able to Grieve or just being scared to because I won't be able to recover without the person that would help me, because she's the one that I need to grieve for. Ok the others as well but my Mum is the one I feel guilty about, because apart from the first few minutes after the news and the 5 minutes at the funeral, I not shed a tear. Like a total emotion lockdown has happened.
 
Crazy - you’re a lot stronger than I suspect you think.

I am not sure I can add a lot because you have already taken some great steps. For sure, your story is far from unique. Loads of people fall into grief at different times. You can’t (shouldn’t) feel guilty about it because it’s completely out of your control.

No easy answers. There might be more dark days to come, but you can get through this.
 
Sorry to hear about all your losses and troubles Crazy.

Im going to be a bit blunt here but don’t mean it heartlessly.

The birds need to be rehoused.
Someone else will give the the love, care and attention that you did. You have done a wonderful job over the years, but now, you need to turn all attention to yourself and your family. You can always get a couple again when you are firing on all cylinders again.

You cannot keep emotions suppressed indefinitely. As human beings, we are emotional things. We need touch, love and attention. We need to express our feelings. Stifling your emotions can easily lead to anger, resentment and depression. (These are all emotion) You are feeling some of those now.
Things are happening at this time, which are causing massive triggers. Memories and emotions being stirred up by your past. This causes yet more pressure on yourself.
Sectioning yourself, which is a very good idea should you become suicidal, will cause it’s own problems and won’t solve the issues you are experiencing at this time.
Your councillor sounds like he is giving you good advice. I too would say you need to put yourself first. That is not something that is easy to do when you’ve always put everything and everybody else first.

Its time to LOVE you.

Sit down with your councillor, with pen and pad, and make a plan for the way forward, to get you out of this difficult time. You will have to make some very hard decisions and make sacrifices, but these may be necessary to move you forward.
It can sometimes be helpful to literally sit yourself down and, as an adult, talk to that little boy inside of you who is feeling so lost at this time.

Different things help different people Crazy, so come up with a plan that you know will help you. It might be difficult to follow, but if you know it will lead you to the right place, for you, stick to it.

Keep on sharing your story if you feel it helps you and KNOW, you are a valuable member of this forum and we LOVE you.
 
pne_monster said:
How you doing @FootballcrazyP_ ?
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Well its been a day without incident. Sold a few things to fund the Bird tonight. Got an appointment on Monday with a different Councillor. I slept most the day, hence being late for Matchday. Turns out I could of stayed a sleep. Tomorrow going to have a clear out of anything and every thing. Got to do my best for the Bird and I will drag myself a long as best I can.
 
SF said:
Have you considered a Go Fund me page to help pay for the sick birds? You're doing a charitable thing so I'm sure people would chip in.
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I had a page for Delwyn, but goFundMe kept closing it down due to fake reports of it being a Scam. I gave up arguing with them. I think it is still open now, but no donations for years. Delwyn is one of Happiest Birds now, still has his bad feet, but came off Meds last year, after the Vets said it was doing him more harm than good. Since then he's just gets on with it. He can move around the cage faster than the others because he adapted his climbing. The problem with fund raising you will always get someone that wants to cause you hassle. keeping receipts and documents just in case someone demands to see you spent the Money on the cause, Which you have to, btw. Delwyn fund has £3.80 left in it.

I was able to cut some costs by using a 3D printer to make things for the Birds. IE Phoenix the Finch, she can't fly but wants to be at the top with the others. We found that Perches where not easy for her to climb up, so we at first used a Dolls house set of Stairs. That became a little tatty as the cleaning stuff took its toll. So I designed some Stairs that clip together, So if one section becomes a problem, a quick print and its replaced. Now she can get up to the top and when she wants to be down the bottom there is a Landing net for her to drop into. But when it comes to tumors the costs can be anything. The Vet is going to speak to another Vet in Germany and see if and what can be done. The thought of putting to sleep over the cost, if he could be saved is haunting me, because we lost 2 recently and a 3rd its not something I want to decide on right now.

What I will say is, my days of rescuing are over, the ones I have I think I have to do my best for. It takes a lot of hard work to bring birds back to trusting Humans again. You have to handle them everyday, talk to them. Hand feed them and build up a trust, so that when they do need meds, they take them.

During the International Break after Wednesday, I am going to put full trust in my Partner with the Birds and take a few days out for just me, I been offered a caravan for a few days. Maybe take Sparky with me, as she does not trust anyone but me, Bites my Partner and swoops her (No I did not teach her this). She's on my Shoulder all the time. Unless I am out. She even there for the Matchday threads. She does swear "I don't know why". When I have my Fits and Seizures she sits and watch's, she knows not to sit on me until its over.

Going to try and use them few days to rethink, grieve and just have a few days of me time, before coming back to deal with the Bird a week on Monday. Just got to get to Wednesday. It be my first time away on my own (Normally would just go to my Mums to give my Step dad a break) for 12 year's. Long over due.

Thanks for all the kind words guys, I do feel getting it off my chest has giving chance to calm the anger a little. Thank you.

And thanks to JK and co for this section.
 
FootballcrazyP_ said:
I had a page for Delwyn, but goFundMe kept closing it down due to fake reports of it being a Scam. I gave up arguing with them. I think it is still open now, but no donations for years. Delwyn is one of Happiest Birds now, still has his bad feet, but came off Meds last year, after the Vets said it was doing him more harm than good. Since then he's just gets on with it. He can move around the cage faster than the others because he adapted his climbing. The problem with fund raising you will always get someone that wants to cause you hassle. keeping receipts and documents just in case someone demands to see you spent the Money on the cause, Which you have to, btw. Delwyn fund has £3.80 left in it.

I was able to cut some costs by using a 3D printer to make things for the Birds. IE Phoenix the Finch, she can't fly but wants to be at the top with the others. We found that Perches where not easy for her to climb up, so we at first used a Dolls house set of Stairs. That became a little tatty as the cleaning stuff took its toll. So I designed some Stairs that clip together, So if one section becomes a problem, a quick print and its replaced. Now she can get up to the top and when she wants to be down the bottom there is a Landing net for her to drop into. But when it comes to tumors the costs can be anything. The Vet is going to speak to another Vet in Germany and see if and what can be done. The thought of putting to sleep over the cost, if he could be saved is haunting me, because we lost 2 recently and a 3rd its not something I want to decide on right now.

What I will say is, my days of rescuing are over, the ones I have I think I have to do my best for. It takes a lot of hard work to bring birds back to trusting Humans again. You have to handle them everyday, talk to them. Hand feed them and build up a trust, so that when they do need meds, they take them.

During the International Break after Wednesday, I am going to put full trust in my Partner with the Birds and take a few days out for just me, I been offered a caravan for a few days. Maybe take Sparky with me, as she does not trust anyone but me, Bites my Partner and swoops her (No I did not teach her this). She's on my Shoulder all the time. Unless I am out. She even there for the Matchday threads. She does swear "I don't know why". When I have my Fits and Seizures she sits and watch's, she knows not to sit on me until its over.

Going to try and use them few days to rethink, grieve and just have a few days of me time, before coming back to deal with the Bird a week on Monday. Just got to get to Wednesday. It be my first time away on my own (Normally would just go to my Mums to give my Step dad a break) for 12 year's. Long over due.

Thanks for all the kind words guys, I do feel getting it off my chest has giving chance to calm the anger a little. Thank you.

And thanks to JK and co for this section.
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Brilliant!
 
I cant add anything that hasnt already been said Crazy, but please look after yourself...

You have done a brilliant job over the years with the birds but it is now time to think about you.

This forum is a very supportive place with some really great people ( certainly more qualified than me to give you advice ) but if you need any help financially or otherwise then send me a DM..

Take care and look after Number 1.....
 
FootballcrazyP_ said:
I had a page for Delwyn, but goFundMe kept closing it down due to fake reports of it being a Scam. I gave up arguing with them. I think it is still open now, but no donations for years. Delwyn is one of Happiest Birds now, still has his bad feet, but came off Meds last year, after the Vets said it was doing him more harm than good. Since then he's just gets on with it. He can move around the cage faster than the others because he adapted his climbing. The problem with fund raising you will always get someone that wants to cause you hassle. keeping receipts and documents just in case someone demands to see you spent the Money on the cause, Which you have to, btw. Delwyn fund has £3.80 left in it.

I was able to cut some costs by using a 3D printer to make things for the Birds. IE Phoenix the Finch, she can't fly but wants to be at the top with the others. We found that Perches where not easy for her to climb up, so we at first used a Dolls house set of Stairs. That became a little tatty as the cleaning stuff took its toll. So I designed some Stairs that clip together, So if one section becomes a problem, a quick print and its replaced. Now she can get up to the top and when she wants to be down the bottom there is a Landing net for her to drop into. But when it comes to tumors the costs can be anything. The Vet is going to speak to another Vet in Germany and see if and what can be done. The thought of putting to sleep over the cost, if he could be saved is haunting me, because we lost 2 recently and a 3rd its not something I want to decide on right now.

What I will say is, my days of rescuing are over, the ones I have I think I have to do my best for. It takes a lot of hard work to bring birds back to trusting Humans again. You have to handle them everyday, talk to them. Hand feed them and build up a trust, so that when they do need meds, they take them.

During the International Break after Wednesday, I am going to put full trust in my Partner with the Birds and take a few days out for just me, I been offered a caravan for a few days. Maybe take Sparky with me, as she does not trust anyone but me, Bites my Partner and swoops her (No I did not teach her this). She's on my Shoulder all the time. Unless I am out. She even there for the Matchday threads. She does swear "I don't know why". When I have my Fits and Seizures she sits and watch's, she knows not to sit on me until its over.

Going to try and use them few days to rethink, grieve and just have a few days of me time, before coming back to deal with the Bird a week on Monday. Just got to get to Wednesday. It be my first time away on my own (Normally would just go to my Mums to give my Step dad a break) for 12 year's. Long over due.

Thanks for all the kind words guys, I do feel getting it off my chest has giving chance to calm the anger a little. Thank you.

And thanks to JK and co for this section.
Click to expand...
I just want you to know you are in my thoughts.
Stay strong brother - there’s a lot of people out there who are trained to help you - you are never , ever a burden to them.
And keep posting on here , there’s some wonderfully kind and supportive folk on here as part of the PNE family.
 
As others have suggested....see if you're able to withdraw funds from your go fund me account, and I'll happily help you out mate, as I'm sure many others will too.

You've had an unimaginable torrid time of it, so please don't feel too proud to accept our help. Nobody can be expected to go through what you have, on their own without some sort of help and support.

So yeah, get some sort of donation page up and running or PayPal and we'll help you look after your animals while you try and get back on your feet. 👍

Thinking of you buddy. Stay strong, your animals need you.
 
Preston1880 said:
As others have suggested....see if you're able to withdraw funds from your go fund me account, and I'll happily help you out mate, as I'm sure many others will too.

You've had an unimaginable torrid time of it, so please don't feel too proud to accept our help. Nobody can be expected to go through what you have, on their own without some sort of help and support.

So yeah, get some sort of donation page up and running or PayPal and we'll help you look after your animals while you try and get back on your feet. 👍

Thinking of you buddy. Stay strong, your animals need you.
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Definitely would help if possible
 
Preston1880 said:
As others have suggested....see if you're able to withdraw funds from your go fund me account, and I'll happily help you out mate, as I'm sure many others will too.

You've had an unimaginable torrid time of it, so please don't feel too proud to accept our help. Nobody can be expected to go through what you have, on their own without some sort of help and support.

So yeah, get some sort of donation page up and running or PayPal and we'll help you look after your animals while you try and get back on your feet. 👍

Thinking of you buddy. Stay strong, your animals need you.
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This post says it for me too. Don’t be too proud and I wish you well and much happiness in the near future. Your mum knew you over her by looking after her, try not to be so hard on yourself.
 
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